“We got married, and you had a degree in engineering and decided you wanted to go into psychology. Tom’s hands bounced up and down on his thighs with increasing intensity as he shouted. I could see both the face of a little boy and a man as he ranted. Hedy had prepared me so well for this exercise that I snapped back to the present and returned to Tom with loving eyes, open to the full extent of his rage. For an instant I was a frozen little girl again, watching my own father derail. It pisses me off on many levels.”įor an instant I was a frozen little girl again, watching my own father derailTom’s accusing tone cut through to the back of my throat. Seventeen years of marriage, and we both knew what yours would be.” Tom raised his hands and plopped them back on his thighs. “We even talked this morning about the thing I’m going to be mad about and you had no clue what it would be. Well, Sylvia.” Nervous smiles sprouted on both our faces as he leaned forward. The three of us formed a triangle as we sat in open postures with our hands on our thighs. A spiritual energy pulsated from Hedy’s regal posture and her wispy salt-and-pepper hair, even through her dangling bracelets and flowing black, white, and red pantsuit. While a semicircle of seven participants observed, Hedy sat inches away, coaching our every move in this process, aptly named the “Full Container.” A conduit to deep emotional pain rooted in childhood, this exercise allowed one partner to fully express his or her rage while the other partner created a quiet, welcoming space to contain all of it. It was the third and final week of our Imago Relationship Therapy clinical training. Instead of lying on the moist sand, inhaling the salty ocean breeze, Tom and I sat face-to-face on gray cloth and metal office chairs, inhaling the basement’s mildew. We were at the Comfort Inn on Miami Beach. You both need someone, like a mommy, to care for you. We were both still raw from Jillian’s deathWhen your child dies, it is extremely difficult to be emotionally available to your spouse. One of us talked or cried while the other listened and held. After we got home, every Saturday we would alternate crying in each other’s arms. Hedy suggested that we alternate crying in each other’s arms once a week. Release and Containment We were both still raw from Jillian’s death. Our connection was closer than ever it felt like heaven. I said, “There’s my heaven,” attempting to say, “There’s my husband.” That’s exactly how I felt. After the first session, I made a Freudian slip that I had never made before. Since most of the other therapists came without spouses, Tom and I were often the demonstration couple. Just being in Hedy’s presence raised my consciousness. When I woke up this morning, I recognized myself.” Her mother, who had Alzheimer’s, could not. What are you going to do with it?” She would also say, “It’s a great day. It is the one and only November 14, 2001. Hedy would begin each session by saying something like, “Today is November 14, 2001. I believe that sometimes they give them to us. When someone we love dies, we grasp for signs that they are okay. After Jillian died, a neighbor placed blue ribbons on all of the mailboxes in our subdivision. Was it a sign of approval? On each of the subsequent sessions, there happened to be a blue ribbon somewhere in the room. The empty chair supported a blue balloon with a blue ribbon. Hedy had “accidentally” included an extra chair. On the first day of training, there were sixteen chairs in a circle. Now I would have to see clients in order to provide the required taped coaching sessions. I hadn’t seen any clients since Jillian got sick. Tom and I had taken the two-day couples therapy workshop, but this training would allow me to become a certified Imago coach. He agreed to join me for the three one-week sessions, scheduled over a period of months. It was actually Tom who urged me to do this. But this person pushes all of our buttons first. We are attracted to the perfect mate to help us regain what we lost in childhood. ![]() Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationship Theory is based on the idea that we marry our Imago-the image of the person who can make us whole again. “If not now, when?” I knew she was right. I was hoping Hedy would say, “It’s too fresh, you’re too vulnerable to take on such intensity,” but she didn’t. I asked if she thought I could handle the Imago Relationship Therapy clinical training, starting in November. She ra warriors lyrics.Now everyone knew what I had already known-that complete devastation can happen in the blink of an eyeTwo weeks later, I called Hedy Schleifer, a renowned psychologist I spoke with when my two-year-old daughter Jillian was diagnosed with cancer.
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